a saxophone orchestra

my last time playing at this church for a while and I'm late to practice
found myself really tired to interact with people in the mornings, like "ugh i don't wanna talk to anyone let me just sit in this corner"
said a lot of goodbyes and got a lot of kind farewells by uncles and aunties, asking when I'll be back, and me responding "not sure, going to find a job and stay there" ironically many of their kids are overseas so I'm wondering why they would ask that question
just thinking about how the next time I'm back, the kids and uncle aunties will be older, maybe some won't be around anymore, and how there will be new faces too, and how I would be a different person at that point
but I haven't even started the program yet so there's no point thinking about the future that much
which makes me think, can you feel nostalgic towards the future?
now only mentions of me will persist in the church, questions like "how's your son and daughter in the US?" to the parents
feeling like I'm really low energy and dead at these meals with uncle aunties, and starting to notice that parents who are better at sharing stories, with emotion and vigor, that skill is passes down to their children, and I'm realizing my parents are low energy people, are there kids who develop this skill outside of their family? low energy parents but high energy kids?
still thinking about last night and how I was unable to express myself and tell stories about the US, about why I liked it so much, which made me doubt my true feelings, maybe the US isn't the best choice after all, maybe I just can't let go, what do I truly want and seek?
thinking about how my parents met these uncle aunties through church, and how they've lived in the same area for 30+ years, watching their kids grow up together, and how in the future I'll also decide on an area to settle down, and who are the people that I will be having meals with my potential children. church is such a connector. it is an effective social technology.
auntie saying her mom always used to say "一转眼" and time flies, and she finally realizes what it meant when she's 68.
first time going to an orchestra concert, soloist saxophone player is my sister's primary school friend
the audio quality is so so good, I've only listened to music through airpods and speakers, live music is heavenly
heard marimba playing in the first song, and that was the only time heard it for the whole show
seeing a Cymbal player in an orchestra just makes me think of that kid whose cymbal broke halfway in a show, and he just stood there and saluted the whole way through.
I respect a trianglist, first impression would be like "that's so easy to play" but I guess to perform it well also takes skill, and you shouldn't judge a book by its cover
"a good show requires a good audience", the conductor critiqued our hand clapping lol
most of the pieces just sound like ghibli music or james bond songs to me
the only thing that comes to mind when I see a saxophone player is the song "Careless Whisper"
jazz is so good, saxophone + piano + double bass is a killer combo
i was evaluating and not appreciating yet again, my music background makes it hard to not evaluate
thought about how the orchestra can go on without the conductor because musicians naturally memorize pieces and tempo, I noticed the musician don't actually look at the conductor while playing? but maybe the conductor makes changes last minute, since practice != performance, so real time changes are necessary?
seat was too comfortable, room was chilly with AC, it was dark, the orchestra was soothing, I couldn't help but fall asleep halfway
thought about how nice it is to be a part of an orchestra, or any group in general, feeling a sense of belonging is important for happiness and fulfillment
only a few more "shopping for US sessions", walks with family, meals, car rides, waking up in an AC room
recently feeling proud and grateful for a dad who was hard-working in providing for family and for my education, and for us to live comfortably, and how any success that I'm able to achieve in my lifetime is due to his contributions. I can't say I'm self-made.
realizing I can never talk about anything deep with my dad, only my mom. there's always a barrier and it might always be there until I make an effort to change that
i've been in this safe and comfortable environment for too long, i don't think i've been growing at all the past few months, it is time to leave
been feeling pain again recently and it's concerning, i might be eating too much lately with all these meals with friends and family
if i wasn't still having mild pain now, and feeling dizzy and nauseous and having pale lips (which a pharmacist says I might be 贫血), I'd be 100% ready and excited, but I can never be fully prepared, if I kept waiting until i was safe and healthy and ready, then I might never go at all. there's no right time I guess, it's all about taking a leap of faith, and trusting that things will go well, and even if it doesn't, I can still make it through because human beings are capable of adapting, having a growth mindset means suffering builds character and strength, and finding meaning in the pain, avoiding comfort, and also being grateful and thanking God at all times.

BENEDICT NEO 梁耀恩

a saxophone orchestra