until death, all defeat is psychological

the rose main reading room

the heat, the haze, and floods all in one week

everybody has to have a sense of self and sense of worth

fable is so good it's scary

tried a margarita and a mezcal for the first time in the same day

insecurity is pride

asian no raisin

koo-tsui-a

languid and bedeviled

last night in austin

ЧЕРЕЗ НЕ МОГУ (čérez ne mogú) = just do it

Casio AQ-230

los gatos = the cats

cosmic distance ladder

Végre nem butulok tovább

2001 USDM Acura Integra Type R

intelligence is wanting the right thing, getting it, and the speed to get it

snow in austin

test

https://medium.com/@jenhao_yang/connecting-to-a-windows-pc-via-ssh-from-a-mac-to-utilize-gpu-compute-power-a9609fde789f

right back teeth hurts

https://arxiv.org/pdf/2410.08196

INTERVIEW OVER LETS GOOOOO

i NEED to cook Mille Feuille Nabe

assistive access on iphone challenge

i wanna try Kongguksu

also the same day i got to visit the commons. such a nice place to work on stuff and be inspired by people around you

so crazy that i met ava today and her fluffy dogs and her readers, i love being in sf

“The most powerful person in the world is the storyteller. The storyteller sets the vision, values and agenda of an entire generation that is to come.” — Steve Jobs

an anxious slab of butter

sitting alone in a crowded and open and bright restaurant is the most anxiety-inducing thing ever, i felt like i was watched and judged constantly

Demod in public for the first time, was nerve-wracking and the words weren’t coming out of my mouth, but people actually liked the idea. it’s a nice feeling to see your idea validated.

can’t believe I’m equating flying to the US with dying, but it’s because I’m counting down the days and I can’t imagine what’s next, thinking “I’m not ready to go”

regretting not learning a piano song for the past 6 months, one that I can play on command. the feeling of regret is the worst

they come to malaysia from nepal and its been a month without a job and they’re out of money and food, while I’m going to the US to burn money that can support an entire village for years. Perspective again. There’s so many people in the world that need help, can perfect equality exist in our society?

Playing random songs and guessing the chords on the piano is fun, but my lack of skills is showing, how am I still so average after years of playing

I wanna work in a bakery or a bookstore

A little worries I’m spending too much time introspecting and not enough time doing.

TIL cats show affection with eye kisses: staring with half-closed eyelids and slowly blinking repeatedly

how would I rank the importance of power, money, and beauty

“we think we are individuals but we are possessed by our societies”, social technology is the thing that holds society together, church is a technology, so is marriage, soccer, christmas, fashion, vegan, and many other things.

"How you talk about your experiences will dictate how you feel about them. Reframing our goals and rewriting our stories are powerful tools. Nobody can tell us how to feel about something. We can make our shortcomings into something beautiful if we want to. How we label an experience can completely change how we perceive it." – Alexi Pappas

I’ve seen doctors for my stomach, teeth, skin, and now musculoskeletal, hopefully this one is the last one, also this is arm and legs which is essentially how i do everything so i hope 12 days is enough time to treat it too

first time doing a full spine xray, so cool to see what my bones look like, was trying to observe whether I could feel radiation flow through me, i rmbr feeling dizzy right afterwards

wow i have mild scoliosis

First time trying pork heart today

Im so allergic to chinese songs at this point

Freedom to do anything caused anxiety, structure with a degree and planning feels claustrophobic, feels like I have to be a different person to achieve all this, but in the end is that the person I want to be? Am I just chasing money? asking myself what it is exactly that I want to do again and it’s such a hard question to answer considering all the other factors like expectations and pressure to “succeed”

believe that when the time comes, you’re capable of anything and you’ll be ready to face it. you can start sowing the seeds now, make small steps, figure out which direction to aim, but don’t worry about anything else that’s in the future, focus on what’s in front of you every minute, and do that.

i keep seeing my past 6 months as a waste of time for not prepping for interviews it’s so frustrating, my dad said I’ve done a lot, while all I see is all the things I didn’t set out to accomplish. definitely a glass half empty person

hi “ben one year from now” if you’re reading this, I hope you already have at least one offer with FAANG, I’m doing everything I can for now, I hope it all turns out well :)

went for a light jog after years of not running and I got heartburn, either I have to slowly reintroduce running again or I’m forever like this, I am dejected

think with the model, plan with the code

can’t rmbr if I was always this slow in comprehending things, I feel like my mind was snappier and faster before. my brain is now fuzzy with math and sometimes reading too.

so hard to not treat every second of my existence as an opportunity to do things, to achieve, to make progress, and not just enjoy being, living, it’s like balancing ambition and contentment

tiny desk concerts are amazing

face is burning and teeth is aching, not a great combo

hope this is the last time im doing laser. its so uncomfortable and EXPENSIVE

Mom’s friend telling me nowadays wives beat the husbands, so I have to be 坚强.

shopping for shoes and dress and bags for friend’s weddings is one of the more frustrating things for women?

I cannot stop thinking about Ethan

I am so not a fan of pork

Is laughing style learned or a natural thing from birth?

regretting not working on AI projects and doing research at ISU now, realizing the significant disadvantage I’m at for getting a good job

TIL docent, a person guiding people in museums, art galleries, zoos, etc. thinking of volunteering at a book fair in SF, that sounds fun.

mixed babies are so lucky, better genes

lately when i wake up from my naps my heart is really heavy and my mind confused and I’m worried, maybe it’s because I’m leaving in a few weeks and everything is scary, but also exciting.

“Fall in love with some activity, and do it! Nobody ever figures out what life is all about, and it doesn’t matter. Explore the world. Nearly everything is really interesting if you go into it deeply enough. Work as hard and as much as you want to on the things you like to do the best. Don’t think about what you want to be, but what you want to do.” — Richard Feynman, The Feynman Lectures on Physics

Having trouble falling asleep lately, even with exercise, I wonder why

how is it June 😵‍💫

worked at a Tesla factory but today was the first time I touched a cybertruck in a shopping mall in Malaysia

My coping mechanism is Twitter. I open it anytime i feel anxious or bored or when I have to do something difficult.

regretting I spent all that time learning swift and not building anything useful and launching it. I hope I got something out of that either way

that ml assignment rly stressing me out. it’s like a backburner that’s constantly peckering at me while I try to do other work that has higher priority this week.

i have to start managing my finances and budget. what’s a good platform to connect all my accounts. should i just use notion. i’ll use Dime for tracking expenses. It’s messy having 3 accounts and 5 cards.

then it wakes me up from doing the things I like and enjoy and makes me go “what am i even doing, I have to be making money”, I have to focus. How are you going to survive in the US?

facing money anxiety again as I’m paying 3k for my summer school fees and it’s brining my bank account down to the hundreds again. I’ve been paying for everything myself so far, and the stark realization that I cannot survive on my own.

stop sneezing man pls dont get me sick grab driver. i now wish i have a face mask

got to try beer after 3+ years , tasted rly good but still experienced slight pain after, not sure if I should still consume alcohol but good to test my limits

Been getting so nauseous after eating a little this whole week

All uncle and aunties talk about is either church or other people’s children or politics

i never knew my entire high school education cost 80k that’s so much money

Food tastes so good, haven’t truly appreciated the fact that I can eat almost anything again, no more worrying about whether I can eat something every time I’m outside

French kiwi tastes so good, and it has high Vitamin C, adding it to my list of fruits that I will buy

Was reminded again how lucky and privileged I am, to be able to study at an international school and overseas, and how ungrateful it is to waste time overthinking and not doing, comfort really breeds apathy

So nostalgic going back to the church I grew up in, seeing the prayer meeting rooms and main hall where I played the piano and keys, the library, the uncles and aunties who are getting older saying that I’ve grown so much, sign of the times

got a sinking feeling that I won’t be able to experience this kind of happiness in my life which I find concerning, I risk self-fulfilling prophecy if I don’t actively reject these thoughts and escape the victim mindset

so many mixed emotions at this wedding, and its so weird that I don’t know anyone here, it’s like you entered the wrong room and you cant leave and you don’t know why you’re there

Bale was 55 kg in the machinist and I’m 52 rn. How is that possible??

I hate how my brain pieces things together and it just makes me overthink stuff and make assumptions, i would trade a life of less neuroticism (but enough for the benefit) in a heartbeat, or at least apply it on something useful and important (how to do this)

TIL “>” is called a Chevron

It’s so bad I couldn’t eat lunch and napped for 2 hours wow Tuesdays are always the worst for some reason

headaches headaches headaches headaches headaches headaches headaches headaches

chrome extension to highlight text -> does a search -> provide links for me to copy to hyperlink in my article

Don’t count the crops before the harvest, just keep watering the crops.

Never knew Canada has a housing crises and has higher living expenses than the US. That’s why so many Canadians come to the US (0.7%) every year.

Not entirely sure if my mood swings are largely caused by this or I’m just naturally like this. I think just being busy is the solution. Having too much time to think is the worst.

I strive for a dead dog in luggage story in my lifetime

I’ll be much happier in sf without a doubt