i was sat in a room with E and A and was told that i'm supposed to see my projects as if i'm the manager of each feature. it's hard to imagine it that way, since i'm so used to be handed tasks, and complete them, and report back on my results/findings and be told what to do next. i absolve myself of responsibility and accountability that way. being a manager of something feels scary, but it's something i have to start leaning into more if i want to be a good engineer. and once i make mistakes, and learn from them, and interact with people more, i might just become a great engineer.

dinners with colleagues are tough for me. i don't really know when to interject opinions and i just smile and respond concisely. i freeze when i'm given attention, and i crave the opportunity to participate in conversations. i'm in the corner, which feels nice, but i wish i was more confident and more interesting. isn't the worry itself making me less interesting? being interesting means being interested, but it also means being able to tell good stories. every time in situations like this, i feel like i have no stories to tell. i have nothing in common. nothing comes to mind. what made me this way? why do i act the way i do? how would my friends act in my shoes? why do i see myself as a lesser human being if i can't talk well at dinners?