The Day After

I woke up at 4 a.m. I tried to sleep more but it was too uncomfortable.

I was on my phone a lot. It was the only thing in my reach that I could distract myself with.

My sister was still asleep.

I started watching From up on Poppy Hill when she woke up.

From Up on Poppy Hill

From Up on Poppy Hill

Aside from the cute teen-love story and possible incest which was a dramatic turn, I loved the sense of community among the students, and their passion and spirit to retain the culture of the clubhouse (Latin Quarter) inspiring as it's rare these days. I felt like back in high school I never really cared for things, besides maybe table tennis. I never took risks. I was too insecure and just kept to myself because it was safe. Now I'm left with regrets. They serve as a good reminder for how I should live my life now.

I was given a special apple juice drink only distributed in hospitals and was asked to record my water intake. I could only do 10 ml cups at first around 8 a.m. Drinking hurts. I knew pain would come in every swallow, so I braced myself for it. Hour by hour, my intake increased, first to 15, then 30, and finally 60 ml around 12 p.m.

I watched a bit of Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind after that. I wasn't very interested in the story at that time and stopped after a while.

My mom came around 9:30 a.m. and my sister left for work.

I rewatched Spirited Away. My mom watched some of it with me. I had it playing in the background while I checked emails and tried to walk around my room. I was watching her reaction when no face was eating people. I'm surprised she wasn't showing any signs of horror, maybe it helps that it's animated.

I still wasn't eating yet. I just felt nauseas. Up until 12 p.m. I've only been sipping diluted apple juice.

I decided to watch "The Wind Rises". I wasn't really paying attention at the start, but when the earthquake scene started that's when I got hooked.

The Wind Rises (58:14)

The Wind Rises (58:14)

I loved this movie a lot. Howl's Moving Castle used to be my favorite but this one won me over. The main thing being his passion and obsession to realize his dream of making beautiful airplanes, and the repercussions of being consumed by the work you do. The realistic aspect of how your dreams have consequences, and that you have to make a lot of sacrifices and hard choices in life. The doomed love between Jiro and Naoko with pain and loss to match the joy and affection they had for each other, the marriage scene at the boss' house was gorgeous and her leaving at the end so that Jiro would be left with a good image of her was heart-wrenching.

I only started eating at 2 p.m. My mom brought blended porridge. It was bright orange because of the pumpkins.

I felt really impatient and frustrated. I wanted to do something with my time but I couldn't do anything.

After waiting the entire day (12 hours for me), The doctor finally came around 4 p.m.

He told me to avoid anything with a stalk, and that I should eat lots of protein. That I should be on this diet for a month, and slowly get back to normal foods. And that it'll take 6 weeks to fully heal from the surgery. I'll be seeing him again in a week.

I left the hospital around 5 p.m. into bustling area separating The Gardens and Midvalley. I walked past many restaurants and many faces. It was a saturday so everyone was out. I felt like I reentered society again. It was the same feeling I had after staying awake for 24 hours for a hackathon in SF, but this time I'm not the same anymore.

You know how in movies you see characters being stabbed, yet they can pull through and continue walking. Right now, I have two small incisions that are 2.5 cm and one 1/2 cm, and I can't even walk normally. Either I'm weak and too scared of pain, or this pain is real.

My mom was really concerned about me carrying my bag. I repeatedly told her I was fine. My dad came to pick us up and brought my mom to two grocery stores to make sure I had enough food for my recovery. She bought a lot of fish after hearing what the doctor said.

I remember the bumps on the road really affected me. I felt like existence was pain. I can't feel an ounce of gratitude yet. It's all just difficult feelings swirling around in my brain. I just want this to be over.

I was listening to Alain de Botton again. I feel that only his words can provide relief. It's a bit concerning I'm not reaching for God's words instead.

I remember entering the house and realizing that I'm never the same. And that it's more weeks of being in the house. I dreaded it. These past two months have been quite hard, I'm undergoing so much change, but I have things to look forward to. It'll all be worth it for future me.

There are still things I want to achieve now, and I have to accept the fact that I can no longer operate at my best, and I need to rest and listen to my body. Healing will come.

I spent the rest of the day writing and reading and went to bed around 11 p.m.