Learned Helplessness

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Learned helplessness is a psychological phenomenon where a subject, after enduring repeated stress beyond their control, they accept their powerlessness, and believes there is nothing they can do to escape or avoid it.

GERD has promoted learned helplessness in me. I've been to different doctors and tried different medications, I've come to believe I have no control. That this is my life now.

I feel it's tricky with GERD.

If I believe I am in control, and I can cure GERD, I feel dissatisfied with my current situation. I think about all the things I'm not able to do and eat, and I yearn and long for the day I get to become this idealized version of myself without GERD.

But if I accept that it cannot change, and I adapt my lifestyle, and be content with becoming this different person, then I don't feel that dissatisfaction.

But I still want to cure GERD, it's a disease that's holding me back. I do not want to live with this for the rest of my life.

Hoping for change and practicing acceptance and focusing on the good of now feels like push and pull of a tidal wave.

Some days the waves are crashing, and I sense there's hope again.

Other days it gets bad and I feel the dread, fear, and the sinking feeling of being trapped in this weak and fragile state.

Perhaps I just need to strike the right balance.

There are still things that are within my control.

I need to focus on that. And take baby steps.