Fear and Trembling

Today was the last day of CNY, I met up with more high school friends.

I lived in a bubble for the past few weeks. And seeing the lives of my high school friends really broke me out of that bubble. I'm left questioning what I'm doing with my life. And why my life ended up this way. I was filled with doubt. I sought after structure, certainty. They had it. I could see theirs. I want to hold it in my hands and feel mine and see it with my own eyes. But it's messy and formless, it shows up sometimes, but it dissolves. It never stays. I wish I had things that could drag me back to shore, to remind myself of my conviction.

I've never been more anxious in my life.

If I don't pass this interview next Tuesday, there's no SF. There's no american dream. No startup. No FAANG. No meaning. No identity. No future.

If this surgery doesn't fix me, my life is the same, forever ruined by this disease. I'm stuck. I'm sentenced to live with this for the rest of my life. How do I live wth myself? What life is this?

These thoughts went around in cycles in my head. I was watching this movie and I believed it.

All these future events that has not happened yet, they become a reality in my head. I suffer the physical feelings. Why is my brain like this? Why do I catastrophize? Why can't I just take things one step at a time. I read all these blogs, I write about them, yet what is it all for? Do I do it for show? Is it to ease my mind, knowing I've archived my consciousness and thoughts on the internet, so there's still a part of myself when I no longer do? Why is is to hard to live with myself? With these thoughts? Who am I? What am I?

Expectations and assumptions really ruined me. Today, I had a panic attack again. I haven't had one since being in Ames. They would happen late at night in bed. I can't pinpoint a single cause. It starts small, just a seed of fear planted in my head. Then comes the crescendo, the fear exponentiates. It reaches the climax, the tsunami crashes down. The symphony of anxious thoughts all implode into one major attack on my nervous system. I have no barrier or defense. I receive the full blow. I'm rendered immobile. In moments like this I lack the words to describe how I feel. I recall advice for not trusting my thoughts and just let it flow past me, but it's easier said than done. It's like you're drowning. All you can think about is breathing. But I can't breathe. It's all water. It's a dead end. I'm at the bottom, a space of nothingness, starting into the void. It all feels terribly alone.

When this happens, I wish I had someone to call instantly. Someone who would tell me it's okay. Someone who would just listen, and help me realize that it's all in my head. That I'm watching a movie. It's hard to lie to yourself. I believe my thoughts. I'm too trusting of myself and of others. I'm easily swayed. I realize loneliness is painful. In times like this is it really better to try to understand why I'm feeling this way alone? Or do I just spiral, and get stuck in loops. I can only resort to writing. It's out of necessity. I have no other channel to process these emotions. I try to label my emotions. I try to make sense of them. But it's all a blur. It's so hard. My thoughts are messy.